The Waiting Game…10/7/15

It’s the waiting game.

I send him an email.

He responds after 24 hours.

I respond to his responses after 24 hours.

And so on and so on…

There is just no end.  I am tired of defending myself.  I am tired of trying to convince him to change the calendar dates, allow me to attend dance functions with our daughter that fall on his weekend, lower the price of the house, find our daughter a therapist, make the house available for showings, etc.  I am just tired. We are never going to see eye to eye.

I met with a divorce lawyer friend who looked through my long emails and told me that there was no end to this ongoing war I was engaged in. She said the only way out was to stop engaging.

For once, I am going to listen to her. I no longer have the strength or desire to fight this ever losing battle.  When I receive his email of responses, and I know I will receive one within the next 24 hours, I am simply going to respond “Clearly this back and forth emailing is not productive.  Since we are having trouble communicating, I would like to suggest that we go and speak to a communications and parenting expert by the name of xxxx.  Her fee is xx/hour and we would need at least 2 hours.  I will pay the first hour and you will pay the second hour. This will save us a lot of money and emotional exhaustion.”

What do you all think? Does anyone have any experience using this type of counselor? I am looking for advice so please send some my way.

It’s been a long while since I made a list but it is time to start again:

1. I started taking pictures again of friends and family.  It is something I love to do.
2. I am posting these pictures on Facebook.  I am now in a place where it is ok for the world to see that I am divorced and starting to be happy again.
3. I changed my name on my bank accounts today and opened up my own account for the very first time.
4. I have my daughter with me for 2 more days.
5. I have my puppy with me for 2 more days.

xoxo

The Drop Off…9/30/15

There are only a couple of times a week that I need to see Disney Dad.

It happens when he drops the dog by me or vice versa.

I hate these mini conversations that happen during the drop offs.

Sometimes there is only a blissful silence because he is too angry with me to speak. I yearn for those drop offs.

Today was an entire conversation. Oy!

He says he is tired of playing games.  He asks me if I am done playing games. And then he says things like:

• Our daughter is saying things that are inappropriate.  I won’t tell you what they are but I am sure they are either coming from you or your mother and they need to stop.
•  I want to work with you, but switching days to accommodate our daughter’s needs.  I am not sure, it may hurt my social plans. I will need to think about it.
• Don’t call the life insurance company unless I am on the phone. Well maybe you can call them on your own. No call them only when I am on the phone. Maybe.
• Who is taking care of the dog when you are away? He can stay by me. Wait, I will be out of town. Never mind.

It’s like a roller coaster every time.  Can I get off now?

xoxo

My Stomach Hurts…9/26/15

My stomach hurts and I need to vent.  Here it is:

• I am allowed to come to any event that pertains to our daughter regardless of who has physical custody of her.  I do NOT need to ask your permission to attend….asshole!
• You can’t have her for three weekends in a row in November.  That doesn’t work. It says so in our MSA…asshole!
• The rabbi who will grant us our get has tried to contact you 6 times and you have yet to return his call.  It is in our MSA that we are required to get one within 30 days.  Call him back…. fucking asshole!
• Our daughter needs to see a therapist. She wants to see her old therapist who she loves. Let her go to therapy instead of giving me a list of new therapists that you are interested in having her see.  You are no longer in control of this ship…asshole!
• You are supposed to be depositing your entire paycheck into the account.  Where is the missing money.  By not depositing you are violating our MSA…asshole!
• We are supposed to agree to lower the price of our house by $5000 every two weeks so that it will sell.  You would not let me lower the price now for 4 weeks in a row.  Do you think you can continue to live there like a king and I will continue paying for it? Don’t you remember the judge warning you about standing in the way of allowing me to sell the house? This is not a joke and I am serious about petitioning the court…you are an ASSHOLE!!
• As per our MSA, you are supposed to be paying all the bills, not just yours.  Did you pay my credit card bill? Our mortgage? The gardener?  No you didn’t! Let’s just put us all in a financial shit show why don’t we…Asshole!
• BTW, I feel sorry for the girl you are seeing.  She doesn’t know what she is in for.  For the sake of our daughter and the relationship with her that you are destroying, you may not want to make out with your girlfriend on our driveway so that her friends can see…Pig!
• Stop taking her to your friend’s houses who only have little kids.  Let her be with her friends so that she can be a normal teenager.  The more you do this, the more she will not want to spend time with you…Narcissist Asshole!

Ok,  I think I feel a little bit better.  I think I need a day without his toxic being invading my space.  I need a day off of this roller coaster.  This is awful but thank you for allowing me the space to vent.  I needed it.  xoxo

I am trying to be a better person… September 2, 2015

I am trying to be the better person.

I want to be happy.  I want to lead a happy life.  I did not like the jealous person that I was from yesterday.  I don’t even really recognize that person.  I want to be joyful and have a life filled with love and happiness.

That’s why today I decided to let things go.

I will no longer ask him for furniture. I will start fresh and buy my own.

I will no longer ask him for our daughter’s clothes. I will start fresh and buy her what she needs.

I will just make do with what I have.

I will kill him with kindness.

I will try to think about his needs too (not ahead of mine of course, but I will give his needs some consideration).

I will continue to do what I believe is the right thing to do, like inviting him for Yom Kippur break fast, or telling him about some of the things that are going on amongst the kids at our daughter’s school.

I just have to be me.  No more being sad, jealous, or angry.  I have always been a happy and laid back person.  I need to be that person again.  I am tired of not being me.  I am ready to be the new me, the new and improved me.  It is time. xoxo

Today’s list:

1. I love my bug guy.  I have known him for 8 years and he is always my knight in shining armor when it comes to getting rid of bugs in my house.  I am so glad he always has my back and that he is following me to my new house.
2. I feel stronger today.  I know it is only one day, but one day is better than no days.
3. My daughter wants to be involved in a teen group at our synagogue. I am so happy she wants to get involved and be part of something special.
4. Today I have my puppy.
5. Today I have my daughter with me through Sunday morning.  I made it through the days without her just fine.

What’s Good for Him is Not Always Good for Me… 8/28/15

What’s good for him is not always what is good for me.

He wants everything to be even when it comes to time spent with our daughter.

I work very hard on making the schedule equal. I am always trying to be fair. I am always bending myself like a pretzel to be fair and have him feel like he is being treated as equally as I would want to be treated. I do that even though he is an asshole.

It is becoming clear that because of the Hurricane that is currently turning in the ocean, my daughter’s school is going to be cancelled on Monday.  Since he has her on Sunday and Monday, it means he has another long weekend with her.  If school is cancelled, then he will have three long weekends in a row.

As a result, I called him this morning to speak to him about making the schedule more fair. I asked him to make a suggestion.  He said he had none.  I suggested that we switch our rotation next weekend.  He could have her Friday and Saturday and I could have her Sunday and Monday.  This way the hours spent together would be fair. He said it was chutzpah of me to ask for a change of date because of a storm.  He has no control over the weather and it is not his fault that school will be cancelled.  Am I in the wrong? Wouldn’t he ask for the same if the situation were reversed? Talk to me readers and let me know what you think.

This has been a bad week. Lost the deal on the house, still living in construction, just feeling down…don’t feel like making a list of positive things, but I know it will make me feel better so here it goes:

1. I have my own house.
2. My daughter is home. I love her more than life.
3. Getting back into the routine of school and work is starting to feel normal.
4. I have my puppy today.
5. I have good friends who lift me up.
6. I have amazing parents.

xoxo

She is coming home…August 25, 2015

Today is the day that she is finally coming home.

My daughter, my reason for being, my reason for breathing, is finally coming home.  She has been in camp for 2 months and I can’t wait to just be with her.

I am so happy she went away to camp.  She has been gone through most of the fighting.  She was away when we filed in court. She was away for the custody disagreements.  She was away for a lot of the bad.

Instead, she spent her time hanging out with her favorite people, climbing trees, fishing, and playing on her guitar. She even had a boyfriend this summer.  She spent the summer feeling like she was 13 instead of feeling like a pawn in an awful game of tug-of-war.

This morning, for the first time all summer she was allowed to use her cell phone.  Who did she call first? Me!

It was so good to hear her voice.  It was so good to hear the joy of a 13 year old. I almost want her to stay there and protect her from this mess….almost.

Tonight I will go to the airport to meet her plane.  She is supposed to spend the night with Disney Dad (Tuesday nights are his). I will go there, give her a big hug, and send her on her way. Will I be able to hold it together? I am going to need to.  She will need me to keep it together. What am I going to do if she refuses to go with him? I don’t know.

Today’s list:

1. She is coming home!!!!
2. She called me first. Before her friends, boyfriend, or anyone else.  She called me!
3. Excellent plumber. He fixed all the plumbing and now I can use the toilet, shower, and sink in the new house.
4. My new house. Tonight will be my first night sleeping there.  I am excited to finally, after 8 months of living on the road, to finally have a place to call home.
5. Realizing that it is not me that is always cup half empty.  It is Disney Dad.  Today it has become clear as day that I am really a positive person and try to sweep the negativity out of my life.

Have a great day!

New Beginnings… August 24, 2015

Today is a new beginning.

Today is the day that I spend the first day and night in my new home, alone. No husband, no kid (yet! she comes home from camp tomorrow), no puppy, just me!

I look around my new home and all I see is me.  It feels good.

I chose the paint color. I chose the cabinets. I chose the countertops. I chose the fans. I chose the tiles. I chose the faucets.

I never believed that I had vision or taste to choose these things on my own.  But I do, and I did a damn good job.

My house is beautiful.  It is modern, warm, and inviting.

The only furniture I have is a bed for me, a bed for my daughter, a tv stand, and a folding chair and tv table. But for right now, that’s enough.  It is perfect and I don’t need any more.

I have realized that I am a simple girl who only needs the basics.  The big house, the fancy cars, the expensive lifestyle, that is not really me.  I like the little things in life, sunshine on my face, a quiet day by the beach, reading a book, and enjoying the company of friends.

Today I am happy to have my own space and am relishing in just being me.

Today’s list:

1. My new beautiful home.
2. My oh-so-comfy bed with cool gel (for those of you going through menopause, this is the most amazing invention ever!!!).
3. My parents for making this home a reality.  Without them I wouldn’t have a home.
4. My new-found ability to laugh at Disney Dad and his absurdity.  Today as he watched me take pots, pans, and cookbooks out of the house, he stood with his arms crossed and an angry look on his face.  He looked ridiculous. It was hysterical!
5. Amazing friends.  One who came by today to lie with me in my new bed and just relax. Another who spent the morning with me cleaning and putting together an $18 tv stand from Walmart. Three others who got together to purchased a mezuzah for my front door and my daughter’s bedroom door.
6. The love and support from my rabbi and his wife who will celebrate with me as I hang the mezuzah’s up in my new home and will bless my home so that I only have good things to come.

Have a beautiful positive filled day my happy readers!!xoxo

I am a sucker EVERY TIME! August 13, 2015

Every day I am a sucker!

In my head, I know that Disney Dad is a liar.  He is a liar and a cheat and selfish and uncaring. He has proved time and time again that he is conniving, manipulative, and a very good liar.

But, when we have a phone conversation, and work things out, I believe him.  I believe that he has my best interest at heart. I believe that he wants to do the best thing for our daughter. Why do I continue to believe him? When will I stop being so naive?

We were supposed to go to court on Wednesday to file the papers.  He said that he was really swamped on Wednesday at work and needed to reschedule for Friday.  I believed him.  I told him it was ok. I changed my plans to accommodate him. I find out later that he is leaving work early and has an “appointment”. I know he is up to something. It makes me feel foolish that I believed him that he was really busy and couldn’t make it.

We are supposed to ask each other when we spend over $100.  We agreed to this agreement.  It is in our settlement papers. I believed that he would stick to it. He called a cleaning service to the house I no longer live in to clean the house.  The charge is over $100.  This was not approved by me.  We did not discuss it. He just went and did something that I completely disagreed with. Also, somehow he is able to leave work and stay there for the cleaning crew to clean? Nothing sounds right and if it doesn’t sound true, it usually isn’t.

I have a bad feeling about all this.  Something doesn’t feel right.  It feels like he is planning something and I am going to get hoodwinked.  How did I marry someone who can be so deceitful and so mean? How did I not see this part of him? And when I am going to get it through my thick skull that he is really this yucky person and not the person I want him to be?

Today’s list:

1. Thankful for sadness.  While I am sad and teary today I know that it will lead me to healing.  I know without this sadness I would not be able to heal.
2. I am thankful for my amazing readers and their wonderful advice and support.  I could not imagine this journey without you.
3. The courage to get support.  I went to a divorce support group last night that had people from all different walks of life experiencing very similar circumstances.  I know I am not alone (even though sometimes it feels very lonely).
4. My parents who call me and tell me they love me and that I bring them joy.
5. My amazing friends who are a constant stream of never-ending support.

xoxo

Lost… August 10, 2015

Sometimes I just feel lost.

I am wandering in a store, in the park, in my neighborhood and I wonder, what happened? How did I end up here?

I feel sad and lonely. I even cry in the store when my friends are just a few steps away. I can’t help it. Sometime the feeling of loss and loneliness is overwhelming.

Sometimes I miss having a person beside me, to spend time with, to not fee lonely. Someone to always have plans with. Someone to go on adventure with.

But then logic seeks in…

I would not give up any of the lonely or lost moments for even one second of being back with Disney Dad.  There is no going back.  He is not a good person. He is not compassionate, caring, affectionate, or driven. He is not the man I thought he was. He is a cheater and a liar. He is insecure and selfish.  If it is a choice between being with him or being alone, I choose being alone every time.

Today’s List:

1. I spent yesterday with some girlfriends.  I spent most of the day laughing. What a great reminder of the beautiful people I have in my life.
2. My new house is coming along. Wood floors are being delivered today and they will be installed tomorrow and Wednesday. The master bathroom should be completed today. I am looking forward to moving in and making it my own space.
3. I am starting to trust my instincts.
4. Court paperwork is prepared and we are scheduled to drop it off at the courts on Wednesday.
5. I am starting not to jump so high ever time Disney Dad calls.  I am making planned days for when I need to speak to him so that he does not continue to invade every day of my life. I am making lists of things that need to be discussed so I don’t forget. I am working on getting a handle on our new relationship, the one that keeps him on the perimeter of my world.  It’s slow going but it is going and that is what counts. Rome was not built in a day.

Have a beautiful day!xoxo

He Signed… July 30, 2015

Drum roll please…

The day I have been waiting for finally arrived.  It only took 7 months but he finally signed.

I jumped through a thousand hoops.  I received daily reminders of why I am divorcing him. I twisted myself like a pretzel. I gave up almost everything. But, he finally signed.

I am finally FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can finally move out with my daughter to another home and live without being under his microscope.  We can finally live in a space free from his overpowering controlling obsessive behavior.  We can finally live without a liar and a cheat.  We can start our new chapter.

Then, why do I feel sad?

I thought after the documents were signed that I would feel elated. I thought I would want to party, celebrate, enjoy time with friends.  Instead, all I wanted to do was be alone and cry.

I tell myself this is a grieving process.  It is the end of my dream with him. I need to start making new dreams.  I am sad because he was not the person I had hoped and wanted him to be.  I am disappointed in his behavior, in his ugly side.  And, my blinders are finally off and I am finally seeing him for who he really is, which is a little little man.

I guess this whole thing is a process.  I will celebrate… but it’s just not time yet.

Next step… submitting the paperwork to the courts and having the judge put his stamp on it.  Let’s see how many hoops I will need to jump through to get this task done.

Today’s List:

1. Paperwork signed!!!!!!!!
2. Closed on new house yesterday and renovations start today.
3. I have the puppy today.
4. My parents are the best, they are rescuing me out of a very bad situation. I don’t know what I would do without them.
5. One more day until I leave for Visiting Day to see my daughter.
6. I was ok spending time with myself and I listened to what I needed and did what was best for me.

Have a beautiful summery day today!! xoxo