My Daughter – January 8, 2016

While I may complain about my divorce and dealing with my ex, the real person who suffers is my daughter.

My daughter is kind, gentle, smart, loving.  She is my best friend and I love her so. We have done everything together. From the moment she was born it was me and her, doing everything, together.

But, now with divorce we can’t do that anymore. She is spending 50% of her life with her dad and I am not in the picture.  I make the best out of the 50% that I am with her, but it is only 50%.

She says it’s not fair. I got to leave and she had to stay.

It’s not fair that she never feels like she is home.

It’s not fair that she is constantly in motion, packing a bag, always traveling.

When I decided to get divorced, I didn’t know how to protect her from the difficulties of living in this situation.  She never knows where she is and what she is doing.  I have done all the tricks, a calendar telling her where she is, reminders, but she doesn’t seem to have the energy to even look at it. She is in therapy, with a great therapist, who I hope will help her.

But, I am sad for her. I feel like crying for her. This is so unfair.

I wish I could save her, but I can’t.

I also realize that it is time for me to separate from her and give her some independence.  If she grows up completely dependent on me, that will not make for a well adjusted grown up.

Divorced parents…any suggestions on how to navigate these waters?

xoxo

January 7, 2016

I am always hopeful. Well, not really. But, this is the new me and I am going to get there.

It feels so good not to be so full of hate and to be hopeful. I am going to try my best effort to hold on to this feeling.

In an email exchange today with my ex, he made a joke.  A joke! It made me smile. It made me see the small little piece in him that I used to love. It also made me cry, for I miss that person. I know that person was not who I thought he was, but I miss the person I thought he was, or the person I was trying to make him to be… I just miss that part of him, the part that made me laugh and smile. We had good times, I will try to hold on to that.

I made a wise decision to not take anything in the email personally.  It was just facts.  By doing this, I was able to free myself from the gut wrenching heart ache that usually accompanies reading his emails. It’s working, but slowly. Rome was not built in a day.

I am proud of myself for moving on.  I am making wise grown up decisions.  I am trying to look at things from different angles.  Instead of thinking about not seeing my daughter for a week and a half, I am realizing that I am only missing two days with her, and that two days is a perfectly fine sacrifice because those two days will be spent helping myself grow my career.

In just over four years my daughter will be off at college and I will really be alone.  I need to have something to live for.  She needs me but she doesn’t really need me anymore. I need to start backing away, setting boundaries and giving her space to grow. Again, I am a work in progress.

Today’s list:

1. I really am beautiful, inside and out.
2. I am a good person.
3. I am a really good mom.
4. I am learning how to be a better listener.
5. I am not taking things personally.

xoxo

January 5, 2015 Part 1

I have a feeling that today’s blog is going to be a two parter.

A lot of big changes are coming my way and I think some of them might happen today.

My job is my biggest change.

I actually have two jobs.  I am a Realtor and I write content for my Real Estate company.  That job is not changing.

It’s my other job that is changing.  I was offered a full time position at a company that I have been working as a contract employee with for the last two year.  It is an educational technology company.  I create content for the website and I train administrators, teachers, and coaches on how to implement the program into their schools and classrooms.  I really do love my job.

The offer last night was a little low so today I will try to negotiate.  I also found out that my immediate boss, who has been my right hand for the last two year, has given notice and is embarking on a new journey.  I had such a hard time taking this sad news in the face of a new beginning.  Life is a roller coaster and I am constantly reminded of that.

So, starting today I will be working with new people, expanding my role, and hopefully negotiating a higher salary.  I can only do what is in my control and try to make the best of it.

Today’s list:

1. I am beautiful.
2. I am smart.
3. I am sexy.
4. I am desired.
5. I am letting go.
6. I am embracing change.
7. I am going to therapy today. (this one is important as I love my therapist who is teaching me how to move on).

Look out for Part 2 later today. xoxo

January 4, 2016

I am really good at my job.

Something happened when I got divorced. I developed a career.

Did divorce free me from something that allowed me to be open to a career? Why now? What happened?

It’s interesting to reflect.  I am not the first person who has discovered this phenomenon.  Several of my divorced friends, who were housewives or doing menial jobs during their marriages, have found incredible careers during or after their divorce.

Why is that?

Maybe we have more self-confidence now. Maybe we are trying harder to be successful because we now need to support ourselves financially. Maybe we have more positive energy to give to the universe.

Whatever it is, it is working and I am grateful.

Today’s list:

1. I am beautiful.
2. I am smart.
3. I am really good at my job.
4. I am seeing positive results at my job which are directly a result of my actions.
5. I am re-evaluating all of my communication with people in my life and learning how to not take anything personally.
6. My kid is the greatest…she really is!
7. I am planning my own birthday party. I am celebrating me.
8. There is nothing about my ex in this post…I am moving on and focusing on me…yeah ME!!!

xoxo

 

 

A New Beginning January 3, 2016

Dear Readers,

I want to apologize for being gone for so long. I have missed you and I am sure you have missed me.

Why the absence? I don’t really know. Partly laziness, partly wrapped up in my new life… I don’t really have an excuse.

I am now living in my own home with a new dog and sharing custody of my daughter and my old dog with my ex.

I am working on becoming a better person. I am working on taking responsibility for my actions and letting go.

I have worked really hard to get to a place where I don’t hate Disney Dad anymore.  Sometimes it sneaks back in but I am a work in progress.  Not hating him has really helped me. I think that me hating him was really me hating myself for staying with him for so long and allowing myself to be treated so badly. It was really  me being angry at myself.

I am working on not taking things personally. If I don’t take things personally then nobody can hurt me anymore. It is a really hard thing to do but I am working on it.

I am working on believing in myself and giving myself confidence.  I am working on being in a space where I feel smart, capable, and beautiful. I am working on it but I am not there yet.

And…I am interested in dating again. Yes, it’s time for me to get out there. I am ready.

So that’s me in a nutshell. I will fill you in a little more each day so you know what has happened over the last two months.

Today’s list:

1. I started to write again. I am working on things that make me happy.
2. I am beautiful.
3. I am sexy.
4. I am really good and what I do and I will be compensated for it.
5. I have a new dog…his name is Jasper and he is my new love.
6. I am open to new beginnings.
7. I am making peace with my past and moving on.
8. I am going to wake up for yoga tomorrow morning.

I have missed you all. Your kind words, advice, and guidance and I hope you will still be there for me. xoxo