My Daughter – January 8, 2016

While I may complain about my divorce and dealing with my ex, the real person who suffers is my daughter.

My daughter is kind, gentle, smart, loving.  She is my best friend and I love her so. We have done everything together. From the moment she was born it was me and her, doing everything, together.

But, now with divorce we can’t do that anymore. She is spending 50% of her life with her dad and I am not in the picture.  I make the best out of the 50% that I am with her, but it is only 50%.

She says it’s not fair. I got to leave and she had to stay.

It’s not fair that she never feels like she is home.

It’s not fair that she is constantly in motion, packing a bag, always traveling.

When I decided to get divorced, I didn’t know how to protect her from the difficulties of living in this situation.  She never knows where she is and what she is doing.  I have done all the tricks, a calendar telling her where she is, reminders, but she doesn’t seem to have the energy to even look at it. She is in therapy, with a great therapist, who I hope will help her.

But, I am sad for her. I feel like crying for her. This is so unfair.

I wish I could save her, but I can’t.

I also realize that it is time for me to separate from her and give her some independence.  If she grows up completely dependent on me, that will not make for a well adjusted grown up.

Divorced parents…any suggestions on how to navigate these waters?

xoxo

My Stomach Hurts…9/26/15

My stomach hurts and I need to vent.  Here it is:

• I am allowed to come to any event that pertains to our daughter regardless of who has physical custody of her.  I do NOT need to ask your permission to attend….asshole!
• You can’t have her for three weekends in a row in November.  That doesn’t work. It says so in our MSA…asshole!
• The rabbi who will grant us our get has tried to contact you 6 times and you have yet to return his call.  It is in our MSA that we are required to get one within 30 days.  Call him back…. fucking asshole!
• Our daughter needs to see a therapist. She wants to see her old therapist who she loves. Let her go to therapy instead of giving me a list of new therapists that you are interested in having her see.  You are no longer in control of this ship…asshole!
• You are supposed to be depositing your entire paycheck into the account.  Where is the missing money.  By not depositing you are violating our MSA…asshole!
• We are supposed to agree to lower the price of our house by $5000 every two weeks so that it will sell.  You would not let me lower the price now for 4 weeks in a row.  Do you think you can continue to live there like a king and I will continue paying for it? Don’t you remember the judge warning you about standing in the way of allowing me to sell the house? This is not a joke and I am serious about petitioning the court…you are an ASSHOLE!!
• As per our MSA, you are supposed to be paying all the bills, not just yours.  Did you pay my credit card bill? Our mortgage? The gardener?  No you didn’t! Let’s just put us all in a financial shit show why don’t we…Asshole!
• BTW, I feel sorry for the girl you are seeing.  She doesn’t know what she is in for.  For the sake of our daughter and the relationship with her that you are destroying, you may not want to make out with your girlfriend on our driveway so that her friends can see…Pig!
• Stop taking her to your friend’s houses who only have little kids.  Let her be with her friends so that she can be a normal teenager.  The more you do this, the more she will not want to spend time with you…Narcissist Asshole!

Ok,  I think I feel a little bit better.  I think I need a day without his toxic being invading my space.  I need a day off of this roller coaster.  This is awful but thank you for allowing me the space to vent.  I needed it.  xoxo

What’s Good for Him is Not Always Good for Me… 8/28/15

What’s good for him is not always what is good for me.

He wants everything to be even when it comes to time spent with our daughter.

I work very hard on making the schedule equal. I am always trying to be fair. I am always bending myself like a pretzel to be fair and have him feel like he is being treated as equally as I would want to be treated. I do that even though he is an asshole.

It is becoming clear that because of the Hurricane that is currently turning in the ocean, my daughter’s school is going to be cancelled on Monday.  Since he has her on Sunday and Monday, it means he has another long weekend with her.  If school is cancelled, then he will have three long weekends in a row.

As a result, I called him this morning to speak to him about making the schedule more fair. I asked him to make a suggestion.  He said he had none.  I suggested that we switch our rotation next weekend.  He could have her Friday and Saturday and I could have her Sunday and Monday.  This way the hours spent together would be fair. He said it was chutzpah of me to ask for a change of date because of a storm.  He has no control over the weather and it is not his fault that school will be cancelled.  Am I in the wrong? Wouldn’t he ask for the same if the situation were reversed? Talk to me readers and let me know what you think.

This has been a bad week. Lost the deal on the house, still living in construction, just feeling down…don’t feel like making a list of positive things, but I know it will make me feel better so here it goes:

1. I have my own house.
2. My daughter is home. I love her more than life.
3. Getting back into the routine of school and work is starting to feel normal.
4. I have my puppy today.
5. I have good friends who lift me up.
6. I have amazing parents.

xoxo

She is coming home…August 25, 2015

Today is the day that she is finally coming home.

My daughter, my reason for being, my reason for breathing, is finally coming home.  She has been in camp for 2 months and I can’t wait to just be with her.

I am so happy she went away to camp.  She has been gone through most of the fighting.  She was away when we filed in court. She was away for the custody disagreements.  She was away for a lot of the bad.

Instead, she spent her time hanging out with her favorite people, climbing trees, fishing, and playing on her guitar. She even had a boyfriend this summer.  She spent the summer feeling like she was 13 instead of feeling like a pawn in an awful game of tug-of-war.

This morning, for the first time all summer she was allowed to use her cell phone.  Who did she call first? Me!

It was so good to hear her voice.  It was so good to hear the joy of a 13 year old. I almost want her to stay there and protect her from this mess….almost.

Tonight I will go to the airport to meet her plane.  She is supposed to spend the night with Disney Dad (Tuesday nights are his). I will go there, give her a big hug, and send her on her way. Will I be able to hold it together? I am going to need to.  She will need me to keep it together. What am I going to do if she refuses to go with him? I don’t know.

Today’s list:

1. She is coming home!!!!
2. She called me first. Before her friends, boyfriend, or anyone else.  She called me!
3. Excellent plumber. He fixed all the plumbing and now I can use the toilet, shower, and sink in the new house.
4. My new house. Tonight will be my first night sleeping there.  I am excited to finally, after 8 months of living on the road, to finally have a place to call home.
5. Realizing that it is not me that is always cup half empty.  It is Disney Dad.  Today it has become clear as day that I am really a positive person and try to sweep the negativity out of my life.

Have a great day!

He AGREED!!!! …. July 12, 2015

You are NEVER going to believe this… I finally found my balls!!

We had three points that needed to be fixed on our agreement but Disney Dad was stubbornly not agreeing to them.  He was verbally abusive on the phone, saying terrible things to me and threatening to sue me for sole custody.

I had enough.  I wrote my points down to him in an email. I told him I would give him one last chance on the phone.  I told him that if he couldn’t make this conversation work, that I would be hiring a lawyer and would see him in court.  I meant it.

That’s the thing.  I have been threatening him this entire time, however I don’t think I really meant it until now.  I realize that deep in my soul I had to believe that I was ready and willing to get an attorney involved.  Once I believed, I had the courage to stand my ground.

The phone call happened.  He agreed to point number one almost immediately. Strange but I am not complaining.

He put up resistance to point two. I told him I would not bend. I stood my ground. I told him that at this point I see we can not come to an agreement so I think it is in both of our best interests to meet again with the mediator but to bring our own legal representation to the meeting.  He did not like this.  When I insisted that this was our next step whether he liked it or not, he folded and gave me point two.

For point three he started to make jabs at me. He tried to attack my character, to make me feel hurt.  What he didn’t realize is that I dressed that morning in a coat of teflon and that his words could not hurt me that day.  I told him that if he continued to speak to me that way, our conversation would end, I would put down the phone and hire an attorney. He caved. Point three went to me.

He complained that I was different. Complained that I was mean and that I had changed.  You betcha ASSHOLE!! I am strong now, I have balls, and I will never EVER let you treat me like that again.

Next step, make the changes to the MSA, get it signed, and submit it to the courts.  Let’s get this show on the road!!

Today’s list:

1. I am so PROUD of myself. I did it! I finally held my ground and stood up to him.  I DID IT!!
2. I am so thankful to my parents, therapist and friends who guided me through this process and gave me strength. I am mostly thankful to my parents who talked me through writing everything down. It was so helpful to have my talking points in front of me.  It helped me not waiver and become emotional.  It helped me stay on track and be strong.  My talking points were definitely what helped me get through this meeting.
3. I am happy that my daughter is still having fun in camp and is away from all this.
4. He let me lower the price on the house another $5,000.  Get this shit sold!!!

Sunday Funday!! Have a beautiful day readers!!xoxo

Silence… July 9, 2015

Silence.

I have not heard a word from Disney Dad.

In a way, it’s a beautiful thing. My heart is finally stopping to beat so hard and I have a little glimpse of what it might feel like when the divorce is over.

On the other hand, I am scared.  Silence may mean he is planning something. That something could be very very bad.

What could he be planning? I really don’t know. I checked our bank accounts and no money that I can see has been given to an attorney. Could the silence just be a reflection of his anger or could it be something more devious? I guess only time will tell.

Tomorrow is D-Day. By 12:00 pm if I have no response from him I will set the wheels in motion to retain an attorney. I have very mixed feelings about this. I tried to keep this away from the attorneys the entire time knowing that if we involved them things would get uglier, it would last longer, and we would be left with nothing buy lawyer bills. But, it has been 7 months, he is dragging his feet, and I feel like I have no choice.  On the other hand, it will be lovely to tell him every time he tries to threaten me that he needs to talk to my attorney.  It would be nice to have someone fighting my battle because I am tired, more tired than I have ever been.

When he says he will sue me for sole custody, I say talk to my attorney. When he says I am a terrible mother, I say talk to my attorney. When he says I am stupid, I say talk to my attorney.  Sounds like a dream come true!!

I guess time will tell.  Stay tuned…

Today’s list:

1. Today is another day I spend with my puppy. I love my puppy.
2. I have already worked out, showered both myself and the dog, started the laundry, and made a cup of coffee.  Not bad for 8:00 am.
3. I am meeting a friend for lunch.  Friends are wonderful.
4. My daughter is happy at camp and away from all this nonsense.
5. I am still standing my ground.
6. The sun in shining, and it is glorious outside.

Love you all my wonderful readers.  Have a beautiful and blessed day!xoxo

It’s been a while…. July 8, 2015

It’s been a long time since I have written…

Having my daughter at home with me during the month of June was amazing.  I loved spending time with her, bonding, having lunch, and hanging out at the beach.  It was difficult to do anything related to work or my divorce while she was with me and I had to be really careful about not talking about anything in front of her, but I managed and I loved the month with her.

Her birthday, on the 23rd of June, was mostly good.  Her and I spent the day together going to the movies and getting our nails done.  Very innocent and innocuous and fun.  For dinner, we met Disney Dad at the most expensive restaurant in our town, his choice of course. As soon as we saw him, our daughter started giving him attitude.  He kept trying to get her to stop, but you know teenagers, the more you nag at them the worse they get.  Well, one thing led to another and he ended up paying the bill and storming out of the restaurant.  On her birthday.  Her and I walked out slowly and on the way home I saw him pulled over by two police cars for what I assume was speeding.  He came home, lied about where he was, and then went up to his room for the rest of the night.  Happy birthday to her.

Last week our daughter went to camp.  While I will and am really missing her, I am so glad to have her out of this awful environment and away at her happy place. I hope she enjoys every second of being at the most amazing camp on the planet.

As soon as she left, I packed up most of my things and went to sleep at my parents’ house.  I didn’t see any reason for the two of us to live under the same roof.  I didn’t “move out” but I am hoping to never have to sleep there again.

My relationship with Disney Dad since she left has been incredibly difficult.  He wants to share custody of the dog 50/50.  He doesn’t even like the dog.  Whenever I tell any of my friends they are always shocked because he has never liked the dog.  He is just doing this because he wants to hurt me and have control.

It’s the same with our agreement.  As you all know, we have been going back and forth for months now.  We started mediation in February.  I sent him changes on Saturday June 27th and he still did not send back his response.  I had enough.  I sent him an email yesterday saying that if he didn’t send me his responses by this Friday July 10th, I would be retaining an attorney.  Enough is enough.  I am done and I want to be divorced and if he is not going to respond then he has given me no other choices.  I really don’t want to start spending money on attorneys but I want to be divorced so I feel at this point he is leaving me with no choices.  Once I sent him that email, he wrote me an email in response saying he was going to sue me for sole custody.  On what grounds? Because I put a picture of myself with my daughter on a dating site and he says that is endangering her safety.  I took the pictures down as soon as he complained, but in no means does that mean I am an unfit mother who should not have any custody of our daughter.  I would never threaten him like that. I would never bring our daughter into our arguments.  Just add it to the list of yet another reason why I am getting divorced.

And so, every day has been difficult.  Even today, I was nervous when I picked up the dog worried he would be home and start threatening me.  A realtor wanted to see the house, I emailed him for permission but he did not respond.  How can I sell the house if he doesn’t give me permission to allow realtors in?

Why is he dragging his feet? I just want to be done with all this as soon as possible and he seems to want to live in limbo like this for a long long time.  I just don’t get it. Why would anyone want to live like this?

Any suggestions about how to manage my day to day would be most appreciated.  Love you all my readers and hopefully I didn’t lose you during my short hiatus. xoxo

My list of positive things:

1. My daughter wrote me a letter from camp and she is loving it and happy.
2. Today I have my puppy who I love so much.  He even gave me hugs and kisses, something he never really does.  He must have really missed me. It felt so good.
3. I really am a tv junkie at heart.  I have so much tv to catch up on and I am looking forward to quiet time on my couch doing just that.
4. I am meeting an electrician tonight to do some work for me.  I think he is interested in me romantically.  I am definitely not ready to jump into a relationship of any kind but it feels very good to have someone think I am beautiful and sexy again.
5. Have I mentioned how much I love my parents? They are the best!
6. I started therapy.  I am going to fix myself.
7. I took a stand.  I am no longer going to let Disney Dad run the show.  We are now going to work on my timeline and I am going to stand my ground.

Send me  your lists. xoxo

Crisis – June 17, 2015

Sunday I was in crisis mode.

I woke up to find out that my uncle has cancer.

An hour later my grandmother died.

An hour later my 12 year old confided in me that she has tried to commit suicide several times, even before the divorce.

It is now a couple of days later and this is where we stand…

Treating my uncles cancer, on hold for the week.

My grandmother’s funeral is this afternoon in Toronto.  My daughter and I traveled to Canada for it.  While it is always sad to lose someone, and my daughter is very sad about it, she lived to be 91, never had a sick day in her life, was very comfortable, and died quietly in her sleep.  Not a bad way to go.

And my daughter… well, I was shocked.  Her and I are so close and we share everything.  To hear that she has been so unhappy… I actually have no words.  My scariest moment as a parent yet.

She has now seen two therapists, both think that she is not at risk of harming herself.  Both think that she is sad about home life, drama amongst her friends, and losing people she loves in her life.  Both think she just needs therapy, not medication, therapy.  Lots of love and therapy.

She seems happier since she let this big secret out.  I hope I can get her the help she needs.

Just an FYI.  Do you know what Disney Dad did on the day she let out her big secret? He started a fight with her.  He continued the fight with her for most of the day. He took away all of her electronics for 2 weeks.  He should get an award for worst parent EVER!!!

God, give me strength to make it through this funeral, this divorce, and especially this crisis with my daughter.

xoxo

Strength – May 22, 2015

Today I am feeling stronger.

Here is today’s list of positive things (I owe you all since yesterday’s list was a disaster!)

1. I am grateful for time. Time heals all.  I really need to remember that when I am feeling sad or angry. Yesterday I was a disaster but today I am feeling much better.
2. My parents arrive today. I will finally have a support system with me.  People who love me and have my back no matter what.  Two people who will hug me and hold me and sympathize with me for all the terrible things I am going through.  I love my friends but there is really nothing like mom and dad.
3. The fact that he has a girlfriend lives in me, breathes in me, and has become a part of me.  I mourn our relationship. I am hurt that he moved on so quickly. But, I made a decision. I will not let it get me down, I will stay positive.
4. This weekend my daughter is mine… finally!!!

Happy Memorial Weekend everyone! Thank you to all her served so that I can live freely in this beautiful country.  Enjoy your family, friends, kids, pets, and have a blast this weekend!!xoxo

May 19, 2015

The day has come that I dreaded more than anything.  He wants 50% custody.

We had been getting along so well.  We were not fighting, we were communicating.  We were having a good week.  We were having a good weekly meeting.

Then he dropped the bomb on me.

He said that he was uncomfortable with our custody arrangement.  As it stands, he has her one night a week, every other weekend from Friday at 5:00 through Monday morning, Monday night dinners we eat all together, and he takes her to school every day.  He said he is going to miss her and wants her more.  He said that she should spend every other week at his house.  The full 7 days! He said he is her parent too and wants to have as much contact with her as I do.

Now from a logical and unemotional place, I can see his point. BUT, I gave up everything else so that I could have primary custody of our daughter.  She is a teenager. Having her move from one house to the other is going to be a nightmare for her.  She will feel like a ship sailing without a port.  I don’t want her to be with her.

Besides the fact that she is my air.  Without her I can not breathe. I need her to continue to BE.

What can I do? Someone please help me????