To Appease or not to Appease…9/28/15

At this point we all know that I am dealing with a narcissist.

So the question is, if I want to get things my way, do I appease or not appease?

He wants me to stroke his ego, ask him if something can happen, and let him make all the decisions.  We are now divorced.  Why does he still get to make all the decisions? It feels like he still holds the power.

For instance, our daughter had a doctor’s appointment scheduled during his parenting time.  By law, it is my right to attend this appointment.  However, he insisted that I ask his permission to attend.  Why should I have to ask him for anything anymore?

There are so many things he still hasn’t done.  Money is still missing.  The rabbi still hasn’t been contacted. Our daughter’s solo schedule still hasn’t been settled. Our calendar is still a bone of contention.  Our bills are not being paid.  A new therapist for our daughter has not been chosen. It just feels like there is this unending list.  It feels like I ask him 5 questions and he answers 1. He asks 5 questions and I answer all 5.

This relationship is very frustrating and he is full of anger.

The other part of this equation is that my daughter is not happy.  She mentioned to me last night that she is spending too much time apart from me and she doesn’t like it.  What can I do about it?

I need help.  I no longer know how to manage these situations anymore.  I am numb from the pain and the hurt.  My brain hurts by trying to be rational, calm, and even keeled even though I want to tell him to go fuck himself. Please give me advice on what to do and how to co-parent with a narcissist.

Thank you my faithful readers. xoxo

He AGREED!!!! …. July 12, 2015

You are NEVER going to believe this… I finally found my balls!!

We had three points that needed to be fixed on our agreement but Disney Dad was stubbornly not agreeing to them.  He was verbally abusive on the phone, saying terrible things to me and threatening to sue me for sole custody.

I had enough.  I wrote my points down to him in an email. I told him I would give him one last chance on the phone.  I told him that if he couldn’t make this conversation work, that I would be hiring a lawyer and would see him in court.  I meant it.

That’s the thing.  I have been threatening him this entire time, however I don’t think I really meant it until now.  I realize that deep in my soul I had to believe that I was ready and willing to get an attorney involved.  Once I believed, I had the courage to stand my ground.

The phone call happened.  He agreed to point number one almost immediately. Strange but I am not complaining.

He put up resistance to point two. I told him I would not bend. I stood my ground. I told him that at this point I see we can not come to an agreement so I think it is in both of our best interests to meet again with the mediator but to bring our own legal representation to the meeting.  He did not like this.  When I insisted that this was our next step whether he liked it or not, he folded and gave me point two.

For point three he started to make jabs at me. He tried to attack my character, to make me feel hurt.  What he didn’t realize is that I dressed that morning in a coat of teflon and that his words could not hurt me that day.  I told him that if he continued to speak to me that way, our conversation would end, I would put down the phone and hire an attorney. He caved. Point three went to me.

He complained that I was different. Complained that I was mean and that I had changed.  You betcha ASSHOLE!! I am strong now, I have balls, and I will never EVER let you treat me like that again.

Next step, make the changes to the MSA, get it signed, and submit it to the courts.  Let’s get this show on the road!!

Today’s list:

1. I am so PROUD of myself. I did it! I finally held my ground and stood up to him.  I DID IT!!
2. I am so thankful to my parents, therapist and friends who guided me through this process and gave me strength. I am mostly thankful to my parents who talked me through writing everything down. It was so helpful to have my talking points in front of me.  It helped me not waiver and become emotional.  It helped me stay on track and be strong.  My talking points were definitely what helped me get through this meeting.
3. I am happy that my daughter is still having fun in camp and is away from all this.
4. He let me lower the price on the house another $5,000.  Get this shit sold!!!

Sunday Funday!! Have a beautiful day readers!!xoxo

Strength – May 22, 2015

Today I am feeling stronger.

Here is today’s list of positive things (I owe you all since yesterday’s list was a disaster!)

1. I am grateful for time. Time heals all.  I really need to remember that when I am feeling sad or angry. Yesterday I was a disaster but today I am feeling much better.
2. My parents arrive today. I will finally have a support system with me.  People who love me and have my back no matter what.  Two people who will hug me and hold me and sympathize with me for all the terrible things I am going through.  I love my friends but there is really nothing like mom and dad.
3. The fact that he has a girlfriend lives in me, breathes in me, and has become a part of me.  I mourn our relationship. I am hurt that he moved on so quickly. But, I made a decision. I will not let it get me down, I will stay positive.
4. This weekend my daughter is mine… finally!!!

Happy Memorial Weekend everyone! Thank you to all her served so that I can live freely in this beautiful country.  Enjoy your family, friends, kids, pets, and have a blast this weekend!!xoxo

The Tidal Wave – May 20, 2015

Divorce is like a tidal wave.

Some days are really rough. They are high and mighty and you feel like they may crush you.  They can be never ending.

Some days are beautiful, like the inside of a tidal wave before it comes crashing down.

Yesterday I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk, and I couldn’t think.

Disney Dad talking about wanting 50/50 custody put me in a tail spin that I am just coming out of. I felt like the rough side of the tidal wave, with no end in sight.

Today and with time, I am starting to see the beautiful blue inside of the wave. I now have a clear and concise plan as to how to react to this issue.  I am trying to find my Zen.

Over the next several weeks I will make it my mission to make Disney Dad understand that I will not cut him out of her life.  Every girl needs her dad and that includes my daughter.  However, I do believe that every child needs one home, one place where they can just be, and for my daughter that place needs to be my home.  He can come and see her whenever he wants, take her to school every day, have her for dinner, hang out and watch tv, but at the end of the day, she will spend most of her nights sleeping under my roof in a room that she will design and be proud of and make her own.

I just need to stay strong and keep treating him like a friend rather than an enemy.

I just need to try to put all the anger in the past.

Some days are easier than others….

Today’s list of positive things:

1. I have a friend who has anorexia and bulimia. She suffers both emotionally, mentally, and physically.  Today she is having a good day and is actually meeting me for lunch.
2. I have my daughter to myself tonight. Disney Dad is out with his “girlfriend”.
3. I am starting to want to have my old name back. I started a new email account and a new private facebook page with my old name.  Reclaiming me is a process and I am glad to be at the beginning of it.
4. I have the cutest puppy.  He is a King Charles Cavalier and is just a mush.  Love him sooo much!!

xoxo

May 19, 2015

The day has come that I dreaded more than anything.  He wants 50% custody.

We had been getting along so well.  We were not fighting, we were communicating.  We were having a good week.  We were having a good weekly meeting.

Then he dropped the bomb on me.

He said that he was uncomfortable with our custody arrangement.  As it stands, he has her one night a week, every other weekend from Friday at 5:00 through Monday morning, Monday night dinners we eat all together, and he takes her to school every day.  He said he is going to miss her and wants her more.  He said that she should spend every other week at his house.  The full 7 days! He said he is her parent too and wants to have as much contact with her as I do.

Now from a logical and unemotional place, I can see his point. BUT, I gave up everything else so that I could have primary custody of our daughter.  She is a teenager. Having her move from one house to the other is going to be a nightmare for her.  She will feel like a ship sailing without a port.  I don’t want her to be with her.

Besides the fact that she is my air.  Without her I can not breathe. I need her to continue to BE.

What can I do? Someone please help me????